The End of the World

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 20:16:44 GMT

well, I haven't written anything here in over a year.

All said, it's been a good year. In the last few days, a lot of that has collapsed. Still, I think that a great deal of change is on the way, and whether for good or ill, I'll do my best to face it with my head held high. Sometimes feeling the vastness of the world is a source of both fear and hope.

I'm slowly working on building my own web site for freelance work, and I've started a blog there. It will most likely remain focused on my professional interests, not so much the personal ones. You can get in touch with me there -- I think I'll be looking to archive the ol' LJ and officially leave it behind. In the apprehensive words of a young Billie Joe, it's real and it's been fun.

It's difficult to see all of this 9/11 stuff on TV when I'm already kinda depressed. I guess we all have times when it seems like clairvoyance is needed to think of new beginnings.

sunset from the ponte vecchio

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 19:31:20 GMT

sunset from the ponte vecchio
Originally uploaded by spesterwecial.

ahh florence.
clicky to see what I've put on flickr from italy.

we're in sorrento now, visited positano yesterday and pompeii today.
more beach tomorrow, then back to rome for a couple of days before flying home.

buongiorno

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 10:35:03 GMT

I'm sitting in an internet café in venice.

it's our second day here after 3 days in Rome, and though it's a sleepier town, it's a hell of a lot cheaper. I haven't found a way to get any pictures online yet, but rest assured, there will be lots. we flew here in first class. buddy passes rule.

we're looking for hostel information so i'll probably get back to that pretty shortly since time is money... we should be taking a train to florence in the morning, and after that to sorrento to check out capri and pompei.

we jammed a lot into 3 days in rome; I would have liked to see a little more art, otherwise I'm satisfied. we celebrated our arrival and shira's birthday by drinking heavily and staying out late, meaning we spent a lot of money and slept too late to get to many museums and churches. donna drove us nuts and drank bottle after bottle of wine, leading to 100 euro lunch bills more than once. now that we've parted ways and she's gone to france, we have a lot more freedom and can spend a lot less money.

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us..."

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 05:27:35 GMT

"It eluded us then, but that's no matter--tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther..."

The last week or so has brought upheaval to the world of ches.

Last saturday Hunter and I were fired from Cherry. I've never been fired before, and it was pretty liberating given the stupidity of the situation. We had a big thug party on friday and left the restaurant at 4:30 in the morning, so we were all at the pool the next day having a nice, relaxing time and Hunter decided to call Timm and ask if the two of us could come in at 5:00 instead of 4:00, since saturdays are slow to start and we worked so late the night before. Timm said no, he was working to clean the place up. So we came in on time and started doing some of the bullshit labor that always has to be done after these parties because Timm won't pay anyone to do it. Timm was in a pissy mood and I guess Hunter and I were both being smart asses and didn't help the situation. I'd say that the two of us voluntarily take on more extra responsibilities with no form of compensation than anyone else who works there, so neither of us was particularly interested in moving tables and doing other such crappy tasks for $2 an hour that day. I told Timm precisely that. I thoroughly cleaned and closed down my bar the night before, and that is the scope of my duties as far as I'm concerned. I've done the next-day-clean-up enough times now, I'm burnt out, let the new people have at it. So Hunter and I sat down to eat food we ordered from Charlie G's after a bit of choring, and Timm saw us and bitched at us. So we did a few more things that he asked us to do, and sat down again to eat. This time when he saw us, he decided to tell us to go home, we were fired. I laughed and said, "Ok thanks, I'm going back to the pool, peace," and we went to Charlie G's to finish our food and have a beer.

So I'm unemployed. I've looked around a bit and I have a job if I want it at Tijuana Garage, but I don't really think they're making any money over there so I told them I was still looking and would let them know something this week. If anyone knows of a decent place where I can get a bartending job, drop a bro a line. A neighborhood pub type of place with a steady crowd would be great.

My rent's paid and all, I'm not stressing the loss of employment and I should have left Cherry long ago, but looking for a job always sucks.

Here's my Wind-Up Bird Chronicle-inspired tattoo that I got a few days before I got fired.

As usual the picture sucks because I had only momentary access to a decent digital camera. Speaking of which...

I might have an opportunity to go to Italy and Greece for 11 days or so at the beginning of august. I say "might" because I was invited by my friend Erin who can get buddy passes for the flight, but after I told her I'd have to think about the logistics and called her back to say I wanted to do it, she called me back and said that Donna, whom I stayed with in NY in march, wanted it to just be a girls' trip, yadda yadda yadda. So I was slightly insulted, irritated at Donna for being a self-centered princess, and irritated that I spent an extra $60 for expedited passport service when I'm jobless. Then Shira talked to me and said that Donna had tried to be controlling since she was first invited (Shira and Erin were originally planning the trip for Shira's birthday) and apologized profusely just as Erin had. I told them it wasn't their place to apologize and Shira said she'd try talking to Donna and that they wanted me to go. So we'll see. I'd love to go, but I'm not interested in being at the center of stupid drama.

Since the two people he was closest to at Cherry were fired in one fell swoop, my roommate Jeff has decided he's pretty damn sick of doing the bullshit that Timm subjects him to as well, and he's ready to carry the banner leading the trip to Thailand that I've been wanting to take for the last year. So if I can secure a decent job to save a little money in the next few months, that might finally become reality. I've got to make it happen somehow, because I'm wasting far too much time out of school and that trip has been the supposed reason.

I've been at home in Rome since Saturday afternoon and will be heading back to the ATL tomorrow. Cook out/booze-swilling at my house all day for the 4th. Call me.

conversation with janus

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 06:29:10 GMT

I've got a lot of time off this week and I've got to find something good to do with the rest of it. I really should just go home and see my family that I rarely see, but I've been in a major rut lately and I'm feeling like something more spontaneous could help change my frame of mind. There's no one that could just take off with me anywhere though. Today I did laundry. Tomorrow, haircut and bank. The agenda is pretty wide open.

I want to get tattooed but I don't have inspiration for what to get.

We need to sign a new lease and our A/C is broken. we never see our landlords.

Lack of intellectual stimulation is beginning to madden me. I wish I could find direction for the curiosity.

friendships can form your foundation and they can crush you.

dance dance dance

Thu, 05 May 2005 16:07:51 GMT

I finished Dance Dance Dance a few days ago. That's probably like my fifth haruki murakami novel in a row. Now I've started Norwegian Wood -- more murakami -- and Tastes of Paradise: A Social History of Spices, Stimulants and Intoxicants.

"Dance...Yougottadance. Aslongasthemusicplays. Yougotta dance. Don'teventhinkwhy. Starttothink, yourfeetstop. Yourfeetstop, wegetstuck. Wegetstuck, you'restuck. Sodon'tpayanymind, nomatterhowdumb. Yougottakeepthestep. Yougottalimberup. Yougottaloosenwhatyoubolteddown. Yougottauseallyougot. Weknowyou'retired, tiredandscared. Happenstoeveryone, okay? Justdon'tletyourfeetstop... Dancingiseverything... Danceintip-topform. Dancesoitallkeepsspinning." -- Sage words of Sheep Man zen

so I woke up at 8 a.m. this morning still slightly drunk, and I couldn't go back to sleep. boy is that a wonderful feeling. I didn't get especially hammered last night, but I realized as I was out that I felt shitty because all I'd eaten all day was soup.

so I just played drums in my underwear. still can't sleep.

work last night was worthless. I had like 3 people at the bar all night. literally. everything was clean for a change though so at least I could read a book (Brautigan's Trout Fishing in America -- great ches, start three books at a time...) instead of heeding my obsessive-compulsive need to work.

both of the bartenders who've been there longer than me were out of town last weekend so I got main bar friday and saturday so I had a good weekend. I needed it. that place has been frustrating the hell out of me. so I had a good weekend and got a $700 tax return, but then I got my attorney bill for $3000, car bill for $1300, and I just wrote a rent check. fuck.

so last week I was dancing with some friends and I end up sort of dancing with this cute girl. she comes up to me later and initiates a conversation, nice girl, seems into it, whatever. I put my number in her phone but I couldn't call myself and save hers because I was underground and had no service. so I ask for her number, she says "I'll call you." Um, ok, *you* came up to *me* in the first place... So I see her again last night (never got that call) and it's the same deal. Dance, talk a little, nice time. Get ready to go, "So can I call you this time?" She says she'll call me.

bitches.

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 20:32:01 GMT

At 8:00 a.m. this morning in the case of the State of Georgia vs. Chesley D. Martin, the State's case was dismissed. This is the first time any legal matters have ever gone remotely in my way, and boy am I glad for the karma payment.

My taxes are done too. My foul disposition of late might just take an upswing.

Show tonight: twilight of idols / if hope dies / the red chord / a life once lost @ swayze's. haven't been to a show in awhile; it'll be good to see some kids and feel free of burdens.

an essay in self-loathing

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 01:50:02 GMT

I can't possibly update this thing with everything significant that's happened since my last entry. I'll guess I'll shoot for some highlights (and low-lites...).

Everything kind of sucks lately.

That being the case, I just up and went to NYC for my spring break. by myself. I stayed with Donna, whom I used to work with. she's rad for letting me freeload and chaperoning me. I've seen most of the touristy stuff in the city before so I kinda just hung out for a few days. no itinerary for me. the weather was miserable, but the trip was great. nothing opulent, just the getaway I needed. I finally got around to getting photos online today -- actually took about 10 seconds once I found a quick tool for gallery creation. I borrowed the digital camera that my roommate gave to his girlfriend for Christmas, and it ate batteries every 10 minutes and took crappy pictures so I really didn't use it much. Some of what's online are terrible shots, I just never felt like deleting 'em before I moved them to the PC.

Just clicky on that one to see the rest.

I got arrested in December. That was fun. I had court today but the scheduled judge wasn't there and the fill-in apparently didn't have jurisdiction to try my case, so another 6 a.m. day for me next Wednesday.

Work is slow. The owners are cool, it's generally an easy place to work, but I need to make more money soon or find another job.

I dropped my classes again. I am the scourge of the earth.

I've been dogsitting for the last two weeks. She's been good, but today I came home to a roll of toilet paper destroyed all over the living room, and then she got out of the back yard and ran around the neighborhood until luckily a neighbor got her in. it's just not my day.

I hate women. I don't even like myself all that much right now.

oh yeah

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 04:51:34 GMT

I typed this up while I was at home for Thanksgiving and not connected to the Internet. I have a lot of other stuff to talk about, but I don't want to right now, because it sucks.

Well, it's Thanksgiving Day, 2004, and it's my first trip home in a good while. I've been cleaning out my closet, trying to get some things out of my parents' way since I live in a house and don't come home that much. I do this sort of thing a lot when I come home, but this has been the most thorough and the most emotionally intense. My heart has swelled so much at the things I've found, I'm starting to wonder when the last time was that I had a truly emotional experience. My life is stoical.

I've been working too much and not stopping to connect with people on a personal level. I'm amazed at the lengths that some people go to do just that; with some, it's creepy, but sometimes it is acutely humbling. Early on in high school I had a crush on Anna-Ward Martens, and I just found a valentine that I received from her probably in 8th grade. This was nothing particularly special, she's just one of those people that brings something for everyone, but in her case it WAS special. Her congeniality was never sugar-coated and false. You knew that every smile she flashed at you and everyone else was genuine. An angelic soul. But this is not a lament for my unrequited love for Anna-Ward. It is simply a nostalgic recollection, sentimental to me uniquely, yet on another level a more global reminder of what humanity is capable of. Etymologically, "capability" closely relates to "capacity," the former usually bearing open-ended connotations and the latter being thought of more in terms of limits. Anna-Ward is one of those people in life that makes you rethink limits. An athlete's "capacity" for performance may improve every day, but in the case of care and human interest, her limits are immeasurable and infinitely more inspiring.

I also have a post card from Anna-Ward's mother, sent after she chaperoned a school field trip and was the leader of my group for the trip's activities. It's great to see such qualities carried on generationally. I went to a private high school: these people are affluent. Yet, their spirits are absolutely untainted.

One dig through an old stack of cards can bring up so many fond memories. I wonder where these people are now? I have theatre programs from performances by people who used to be some of my best friends. Some of them I've barely spoken to since graduation, if at all. The programs and the well wishes of their parents and friends still leave me feeling proud of them. I want to sit down and spend a day going through all this shit with someone who would actually appreciate a fair amount of it.

I now have inspiration to buy Christmas cards.

Hedgehog's Dilemma

some hint of seasonal change

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 23:08:11 GMT

there was a show worth seeing just about every night last week. because of work and money, I only went to two of them, but I was happy about that.

monday night was crimescene, remembering never, terror, the black dahlia murder and unearth. crimescene are locals. go locals. remembering never sucks. terror, well, they're terror. their music can be pounded into your head relentlessly and you'll still enjoy it. there's something of a classic, no-frills-no-bullshit hardcore sound in it that doesn't get stale. I was thoroughly impressed with the black dahlia murder. good metal, talented drummer, and nice, laid back guys. eye-opening live performance. unearth was unearth, and that was good. the show on the whole was pretty much what I expected (with BDM being the surprise), but I have no complaints about that. metal-some monday afterward. hah.

tuesday was every time i die and the dillinger escape plan. somehow I've never seen ETID live, and their performance was impressive. I think they sounded better at the masquerade than in any of their recordings that I have. dillinger was awesome as always. less of a light show than last time they were here, but hearing some of the new songs now that the album is out easily made up for stage production.

I haven't been to many shows in recent months, so taking a few nights off for some scene spectating was good fun.

I worked all weekend, but still managed to do some halloween partying. there were a shitload of people at my friends' loft complex saturday night. I'll try to get hold of some pictures. we had a party at our house sunday night. Jeff and I worked on saturday, so trying to guess what the other found time to buy during the day resulted in a scatterbrained alcohol selection, but we made do I think. People came and went at odd times, Jeff got sick and passed out early, and I was too tired to be much of a host, so I don't guess it was an outstanding party, but I had fun.

I worked a double on monday. after the weekend I had, that really sucked. so last night I finally got more than 5 hours sleep for the first time in days. Jeff is still sick, so our house is still a wreck from sunday. ah, fall is good.

oh yeah, this.

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 01:00:11 GMT

about a month old now I guess. the picture is the best I could do with my roommate's camera phone (and tweaking in the gimp).

tightrope walker

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 07:56:22 GMT

tonight was the faint. yay for scene points. TV on the Radio was pretty good. missed the other band. I haven't been to a show in forever, it was fun just to get out. work has been slow lately -- bad for money, good for remembering what it's like to have a life. next week:

10/25: unearth, terror, black dahlia murder
10/26: dillinger escape plan, every time i die
10/28 (if I'm off): against me!, blood brothers

and Halloween and stuff. the rest of this week is just work.

Last week we spent a whole day working on landscaping, mowing, pruning and dirt-moving in our yard. it was the most productive day ever. there's a fire pit deep in the back yard (which I'd never really used before, it was a jungle) that is now accessible. we celebrated our hard work by having friends over and drinking around the fire. a merry time was had by all.

we have cooked a lot.

my roommate has revealed his intention of setting me up with some girl.

I feel like I'm teetering on a line between everything and nothing.

treading water

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 07:21:13 GMT

I started typing this a few days ago and then just left it until now. now I want to "edit" my journal entry, which is probably kinda stupid.

I got a new desk, and put it in a different spot in the office. then, for a few weeks I neglected to get a longer ethernet cable. I'm in one of those modes where I really don't have -- or don't want to make -- time for internerding.

Started classes and all that. They're cool so far except that I've already managed to bungle things up a little. I have creative writing and intro to anthropology. such slacker classes, and only 6 hours, yet I still can't manage to stay motivated, even when I'm actually interested in the subject matter. working 45 hours a week on average really takes most of my energy and focus.

I'm trying to start bartending. I've had thursday nights off for the last three weeks so I've gone in to train on my own time. I don't think management has any idea of my capability or lack thereof at this point. I need to be more vocal I guess. I will note that one of our owners stopped me in the stairway last week to say, "every time I see you, you're busting your ass." that felt nice, because I generally go about my work without saying much, be it complaining or praise-whoring. now if I could just once get the GM to notice almost anything of merit that I do at work.

I brewed coffee two hours ago, and just remembered it. I have a mountain of work that needs to be done. tonight. instead I'm doing this.

tattoo appointment the 25th. at Timeless this time.

my creative writing book is good and inspires me to write. then, I use that opportunity to work on the actual assignments for the class, and they completely eradicate my inspiration. I believe the nature of assignments is exactly what I can't swallow with school anymore. I don't get why I can follow my work schedule adamantly, but when it comes to school I can't manage my time for shit. It hasn't always been this way, and although I do support myself, I know that money isn't the only reason. I feel like I'm treading water. "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." Immutability, hmph.

I'm really trying to continue with school. but if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's how much I hate stretching myself too thinly to pursue things to my fullest potential. this also means leaving little or no time to simple pleasures. the last movie I saw in a theater was Kill Bill Vol. 1. I've been trying to read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence for a couple of months now. I play my drums so rarely that my skin doesn't stay tough, and I get blisters every time. my relations with friends and the opposite sex are estranged and intermittant.

"Laziness, like money, doesn't really exist but to represent something else..."

I miss Spencer. and John.

Enough whining and self-deprecation. What I have managed to do lately is foster a comfortable home environment with my roommates. We cook and eat well, when I'm home to see it. We got weights for the otherwise useless basement weight bench yesterday, and new deck furniture. My bedroom and office spaces are conducive to the energies that I need them for (though I'm still shopping for a bed, plagued by materialistic indecisiveness). I have liberated myself and others through dance (and sex) when I was otherwise close to boiling point. I have managed my money fairly effectively without stressing, and lived comfortably. ~~I have drunk less~~.

After coming home from work this afternoon, I cleaned house for a couple of hours and then watched Ghost World. I bought that movie months ago in a $10 bin and just took it out of the plastic wrap tonight. it's sad when I find such a mundane evening so liberating.

karma shaping

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 09:06:11 GMT

I feel like I've now listened to the new dillinger enough times to pass judgement, and I have to say it fucking rocks my ass off. there are new surprises (and they more than pull them off), and there's plenty of classic dillinger to satisfy my manic cravings.

in short, it's an album that's been a long time in coming, and ultimately worth waiting for.

rant over.

I got an iPod. even with the new-generation, post-WWDC price drops, it was expensive, but it's proving to be the best purchase I've made in some time.

Jon Rowe is about to leave for Thailand to join a program teaching English, similar to the JET, which I've looked into in Japan. I hope to take advantage of his residency, and am thinking of taking spring semester off in order to spend a month or so there -- and maybe visit China and/or Korea -- if he'll have me. This is all very immature at the moment, but might just work out.

It looks like my hopes for a short personal vacation before starting back to school may be for naught. I should be spending 2 or 3 days in the mountains with my parents, but that's hardly a vacation... <sigh> in due time.

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 08:23:34 GMT

the world feels really big right now. there are both good and bad aspects of that feeling.

people in general never cease to amaze and delight me.

fireworks

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 00:52:28 GMT

I don't really remember what important things, if any, have transpired since my last entry. pretty sure I worked a lot. 40-hours-a-week-ish. Phil at Liberty went out of town for a week (a week that included my appointment) and I worked every day last week, so I'm calling him tomorrow.

they hired a new kid, and I got one server training shift, so I was hoping there would be more opportunities for me to do new stuff or take more time off, but this week I have no further floor training and bobby has only serving shifts so I still work just as much. blah. I do have both weekend closing shifts, which probably means good money, but no life. and they expect me to be on call at noon sunday after being at work until 4 friday and saturday nights. anyway.

4th of july weekend was good harmless, careless, debaucherous fun. friday night I worked until close so that doesn't count. slept late saturday since I worked til 4 a.m. Worked saturday night but I was first out and it was really slow so I was out early. both of my roommates were out of town and lots of my friends went to jaimi's house in tennessee, so I called everyone I could think of that might be in town and no one loved me, leaving me terribly bored. I went home and changed, went to the liquor store for a guy at work because he wouldn't be off in time, then returned to work where I proceeded to get fairly drunk. I told myself I wouldn't drink much the night before the 4th, but there wasn't much else to do besides sitting around my house alone. I don't find myself out of work early on weekend nights very often, so I wasn't in the mood for that.

so like a sad barfly I was at front page until close. not like close as far as customers are concerned but close as far as the business is concerned. asked for my tab only to be told I didn't have one. pays to spend your working days slaving for bartenders I guess. since I haven't really had anyone over to my house since moving, I invited folks from work over. bobby, jacob, jacob's roommate, sasha and her dog came over and hung out until the sun came up. I hadn't really partied all night in a long time so I didn't feel too bad about it, 4th of july or not. fireworks came early...

I got about 4 hours sleep in the middle of the day sunday. I was supposed to hang out with Matt Peffer and friends, but Jeff came home unexpectedly and they don't get along well. Jeff's girlfriend couldn't go to Habersham with him so he came back early. we spent a few hours in the same state of boredom I'd experienced the night before, unable to find anyone to do anything with. we started digging out all the food we could potentially make and eventually got some people over. hungry people snacked on hummus while we threw burgers, hot dogs, pork chops, ribs, bratwurst, squash and zucchini on the grill. also made some twice-baked potatoes and potato skins with all the fixins one could want (including bacon -- at one point I marveled at the array of pork around). some people that were supposed to come didn't show, so those of us eating and drinking to our hearts' content chuckled at their foolish decision. we played cards and smoked and watched TV and generally shindigged (should be a word...) and successfully depleted the supply in our usually overstocked kitchen. joel and adrienne stayed over and left us a thank you note on the fridge. cute. so we got a slow, late start, but I had fun.

today has consisted of virtually nothing but recuperation. lots of sleep, laying around watching the travel channel, drinking coffee, eating leftovers. it was really hot and jeff and caroline went to the pool. now I wish I went. I feel like playing drums, watching a movie and going to bed at a decent hour.

I find it impossible to think about the future lately. it's not so bad.

phoenix from the ashes

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 19:40:58 GMT

after a tiring bout with the people at comcast, we have Internet access at our house. So I've made time to get my desk and computer and stuff set up in the office. Minus a few furniture purchases/replacements, I think I'm finally settled in. I can't even begin to express how much better of a living situation this is. I'll try to post some pictures when I get around to it.

I finally finished A Wild Sheep Chase last night. I've been reading that since spring break. Yeesh, and I was burning through books before that. I'm not sure what I think of the ending yet -- it all came quickly, both in terms of the book's timeline and my own reading timeline. I might read Dance Dance Dance before I really decide; it's sort of a sequel. Probably something else first though, since I've done four Murakami books in a row, don't even own Dance Dance Dance yet, and have bought soooo many other books recently.

I want to work less. The money is great this time of year, but lately I work tuesday and thursday through sunday. thursday through sunday usually comes close to 40 hours of work in 4 days, which sucks in itself, but also if I go into overtime I don't get paid for it. so last week I gave up thursday morning. I'd rather give up tuesday nights and have three straight days off. or have the option of a weekend night off once in awhile (it's currently impossible until they hire someone else). I haven't had time to make the arrangements this week, so I guess to my chagrin I should be getting ready for work in about 15 minutes. trying to move and settle in has taken the majority of my free time for the last 2+ weeks, and I miss my down time with friends, books and myself.

went to liberty for a few yesterday while matt was getting some shit colored in, so I finally have my appointment. next wednesday afternoon.

alright, I need to try to stop by the bank before work so I'm out. I'll try to do some more catching up and reading of friends' journals soon.

this is a really nice song

Sat, 15 May 2004 10:15:54 GMT

well, it's nearly 5 a.m. and I'm awake putting some introspective drivel in my livejournal for the first time since march. I have to say the time off was probably good; I'm fickle about the medium from time to time. This might be long. I'm not in the mood to cater to those who concern themselves with the tidiness of their friends page, so it probably won't be cut. Sorry.

I'm finally through with school for the summer and might have some free time now. I don't feel much freer yet, I guess mostly because I've been at work for about 95% percent of the time since I finished. I also didn't do as well as I should have at such an easy school, which is something of a burden on the peace of mind, but I'm finding myself in the throes of a rather deep-reaching reevaluation of virtues and personal goals that is a distraction all its own. And I'm supposed to be unwinding...

I'm very confused. I feel as if I'm supposed to be getting my adult life framed in right now, and I don't want to. I want to defy the frame. I'll be taking classes part time from now on, that's for sure. If there is some "calling" for me in life, I've yet to find its pitch, or I've missed it altogether. Right now all I want to do is experience all kinds of stuff. Nothing more specific than that. I read avidly, but about nothing in particular. I simply lack the focus to really pursue a degree right now. I have no interest in trying to settle on one thing to do for much of my life, because I don't think I'll be able to settle, and in that case, of what real value is that piece of paper to me at this point? Sure, it costs a lot, and retroactively it's supposed to repay itself, but outside of the context of money, what is it worth to me? Not that I'm not intellectually curious. Even vigorous. Just unfocused. A wanderer.

these colleges and universities that we attend, at their core, are businesses. Information can and should be free. I think this information can only be melded into knowledge through a personal acceptance, an interaction, with the text (no book pun intended). the value of mentors is not lost on me here; rather, the growth of the institution as an economic entity creates a conflict of interests, in my view.

I can't deny that capitalism has afforded me a lot, not the least of which is life in a country where liberty is further recognized than in most other earthly places (and where I can fearlessly write something of this nature and post it in a public forum). I truly believe, though, that money is ultimately the biggest crutch that man must part with before he can fully recognize liberty, and attain any sort of enlightenment, on a personal and societal level. This is a paradox that we all live with. I'm realizing now how little time I've been able to spend with friends and family over the past several months of keeping a 7-day-a-week schedule between school and work. I feel as if I have fewer close friends right now than ever before. Human relationships need to start taking the importance and priority in my life that they deserve. or maybe I'm just a lonely sap.

at any rate, I want a family one day, and I'm going to have to figure out how to provide for them. monetarily. herein lies the crux, for me. I just don't know. what I do know is that I don't like money having any role in the development or maintenance of my personal relationships. this system is flawed. I don't know what I can do to change it, and I don't yet know how I can live within it.

on a lighter note...

I need to get up in a few hours to work on organizing the room and getting turbo moved in. I have to live with turbo again. gah. we've been hanging out the past few days while his shit has been in a pile in the floor but I've been studying for finals, or one of us has been working. tomorrow is the first bit of time for us to collaborate. I don't have to work until 8, but it looks like I'll be sleeping later than I'd like. he's really a great kid, and he's a lot of fun. our lifestyles just clash, and I cannot share a room with another person anymore, bottom line. so I'm supposed to be looking at some houses with jeff and aaron -- three bedrooms in the <$1000 a month range. since we should still be living inside the perimeter, that means we might have to settle for a somewhat ghetto place. I don't even care, I can deal. their current lease is up at the end of june, I believe, so this all should get rolling soon. THAT is exciting. I think getting out of this house is imperative to me feeling any sort of personal progress right now.

I also should try to get a haircut in today. laundry too, but I hope to take a trip home sunday afternoon through tuesday, so I might just stretch it until then. my work clothes might be nasty, but fuck 'em.

alright, I'm quite spent. good night. good morning.

because every time i trust, i lose.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 07:39:36 GMT

monday I was pretty exhausted from the previous week/end. I snoozed, lounged around reading for class, got some food from eats, and sat at starbuck's reading more school stuff.

today after hanging around for the hour and 45 minute break between my first and last class, I made the conscious decision to leave, 5 minutes before class. I didn't feel like I could stay awake through a 2-hour lecture. I'm being such a slacker lately, and it's not good.

I did, however, drive around without much certainty of destination. I ended up going to this used book store on roswell road that I used to see when I worked around there, and for some reason never visited during lunch hour. probably a good thing, because it was fucking huge and I was there for closer to two hours. I impulsively purchased the following:

As I Lay Dying - Faulkner
The Tin Cup and The Flounder - Günter Grass.
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Persig
Zen and Japanese Culture - Daisetz T. Suzuki. this was pretty random but is apparently fairly authoritative and was first published in 1938.
The Unconsoled - Kazuo Ishiguro. I've not checked this guy out yet, hope I like it 'cause it's a beefy volume...
The Brothers Karamozov - Dostoyevsky. apparently it's essential to read this (and Dostoyevsky) in one's lifetime.
Playing Ball on Running Water - Living Morita Psychotherapy: The Japanese Way to Building a Better Life - David K. Reynolds, Ph.D. I have no idea what this shit is. I thought the title sounded cool so I browsed it and became more curious. The back cover cites it as "the Japanese challenge to Freud." Seems meditative and self-helpy but in a way that makes me want to read more.
Appleseed: Book One - Masumune Shirow. Old-school graphic novel from the guy that did Ghost in the Shell.
The World According to Garp, A Widow for One Year, and The Water-Method Man - John Irving. The latter two I have not read yet, the first is a nicer copy than the one I have of my favorite Irving book thus far.
Finally, a pre-calculus textbook, because I can't ever remember all that trig and logarithm shit, and a pretty generic but detailed book on basic photography.

So, I should have enough to read for the rest of 2004. Circa $40. It was fun and I'm happy with my gifts to myself. Used book stores might be more fun to me than thrift stores. I'm largely glad that I skipped class. Except that I really do need to quit being a slacker.

after my book shopping I played some drums, took a shower, ate, had a couple of beers and went to bleeding through with matt and melinda. missed doomsayer, whoever they are. himsa really surprised me, their set was pretty lively. death by stereo can be goofy but can rock too, and they're exceptionally nice guys. bleeding through was beautifully brutal. nice selections of old songs. pretty fun show, small crowd. matt got drunk and aggressive.

came home and melinda pried around and called me out on bedside lubrication, then asked to pop a zit. I pretty much shirked into a corner. gladly smoked a bowl with shaggy and molly and my bed is now beckoning me.

i think everyone should read this

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 00:45:20 GMT

http://www.toad.com/gnu/whatswrong.html

pardon the unsolicited propaganda. (is there any other variety?)

Mon, 22 Mar 2004 04:16:39 GMT

ok so it's been a long time since I've really updated this thing. this will probably be long, but I'm too exhausted to feel like giving much detail..

I turned 21 and all. it's really nice. I went to my place of work with some friends the night before my birthday and had lots of drinks bought for me by friends and coworkers. got drunk pretty fast, don't really remember coming home. as far as I know I did not make an ass of myself publicly, thankfully. the night of my birthday I went out to the highlands with some kids and just hung out and had some drinks. my birthday conflicted with some alpha xi formal thing so a lot of people didn't go out with me. fuckers. anyway my birthday was fairly low key, but I probably wouldn't have it any other way, and it was a fun weekend all-in-all.

the week before last was spring break. I went to st. george island with jeff, his girlfriend and some of her friends, and lots of guys from the house. it was awesome. beautiful weather, a little too cold for the ocean but great for relaxing on the beach, around the pool or in the hot tub at night. played some lacrosse, read a book, cooked a lot. the change of surroundings was just what I needed. other than the less-than-ideal sleeping conditions, it was perfect. considering the crowd on the trip, the potential for novelty was huge, but people pretty much behaved themselves. andy roberts did manage to drive away from a gas pump with the nozzle still in his tank, after prepaying, and without actually pumping any gas. amazing.

the trip left me with very little motivation. I slacked off a good bit last week, and now I have to study my ass off for a test on tuesday and lots of other stuff due this week. I hoped spring break would refresh me, but it really didn't. I want to have time to read books that I want to read. I almost wish I just had a 9 to 5 so I could come home in the evenings and relax. a nice smart, cute girl to cuddle up with. a regular scene of domesticity. I crave the mundane.

I'm incredibly exhausted from working my ass off all weekend, so there's no hope of being productive with schoolwork tonight, as much as I need to. my plan is to go to bed in the next few minutes and wake up early to do some work. I think I can do that.

I was at work until about 5 in the morning again last night. just a lot of insanity, a bartender walking out in the middle of her shift, chaos. took quite a while for everyone to get their closing stuff done. it was our manager martha's last saturday night though, so I could drink all I wanted while closing. it's really sad that martha's leaving, she's a cool manager and fun to work with. a lot of people I like have left recently and a lot of the new people we've gotten are weird. we're heading into the busy season and the money's getting good, I wish some of the fun people that have left were going to be around for the spring and summer.

watched matchstick men the other day. not bad. not great, but not bad.

ok, I'm too tired to ramble any more. I'll catch up with you kids later. take care.

Wed, 17 Mar 2004 18:04:04 GMT

I feel like the oldest barely 21-year-old on the planet.

there are lots of things that I need to share here, but I don't feel like it right now.

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 06:41:19 GMT

snow day today was nice. gives me a 4 day weekend, and I need it. I've gotten behind on schoolwork. it's not even a big deal, perimeter is so easy, but personally I don't want to slack off anymore. I don't even need to read the texts to make good grades in most of these classes, but if I do, I get a lot more out of it. I don't know what it is about school anymore that puts me in the frame of mind of trying to get by on the least bit of work possible. I'm not like that with anything else in life, and I haven't always had that attitude toward school. I hope by the time I transfer back to a 4-year school that I really know what I want to be studying. I also need to figure out how to sleep on a regular schedule by then, it really affects me strongly. I don't remember dreams, it takes me forever to fall asleep all the time, and half the time I can't sleep until absurd hours of the morning. what the hell does that mean, and what kind of doctor do you see about that? sleep is such a metaphysical thing to me, there's no way I'd have any faith in someone who claims to specialize in it. at least not enough to pay them.

the other food runner at work got fired yesterday. what a perfect time for me to tell them I'm going to be out of town for the entire second week of March. I dare the GM to tell me that I "can't" have all that time off, so I can say "well I guess this is my two weeks." I don't want it to be that way, but there will be no telling me that I can't have that time off. I never ask for time off, and I haven't done anything for spring break since I came to college.

I need to start working out again or something. I feel like I'm in terrible shape these days, and need something regular like to that to get away from the grind. something outside too, maybe just running, though I loathe running. skating in the park for the first time in months last week was blissful, and made me think how I'm totally out of touch with Mother Nature lately.

I sat at the bar tonight after I was off work to finish eating some food I'd gotten, and a guy next to me was reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. I talked to him for a minute or two about it. He asked how old I was, said he was impressed with my taste in literature for my age, and recommended that I read The Life of Pi.

Saturday is my 21st. anyone who wants to hang out should call me. 770.367.4096.

I'm not really in the mood to write in this thing that much lately. I'm don't do anything that interesting, really. sucks.

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# EDIT
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'uninspired' is not a built-in livejournal mood. WHY is there a smiley face next to it?!

any way you want it

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 21:15:21 GMT

I've selflessly devoted a lot of time to serving my community this week, at the cost of having to lose sleep to keep up with school work, but I think karma has repaid me.

one of the guys in the house agreed to loan us a computer he wasn't using, so I set up it up in the chapter room entertainment cabinet as an mp3 server with a shared music folder, so everyone in the house can upload their shit to it and play it through the audio system. it seems to be popular, and it's really nice to get to hear a lot of different stuff all the time instead of the same ghetto rap CDs.

I also thoroughly cleaned and rearranged the study room, as well as fixing the computer, internet connection, and printer in that room. I think I'm one of the only people that actually studies in there lately so hopefully I can get people to keep it clean.

so I feel good about this. what a frat boy.

I need a digital camera or something, my journal is so static-looking these days. dynamism damnit!

so I'm in a fabulous mood today. the weather has been absolutely perfect for the last two days, and I've been able to enjoy it. I was through with class at 12 yesterday, so a few of us went longboarding in the park. today, I decided in my two hour break between classes that I'd just drive around with the sun roof open, listen to music, and grab some food. it was nice.

I think I completely aced my accounting test this morning. I'm talking 105.

I think Ed and Ein's departure is the saddest moment in Cowboy Bebop. That episode was on last night. If you don't watch that show, you should.

The following are the contents of my CD changer in my car right now:

Blink-182 - Blink-182
Talib Kweli - Quality
Strung Out - An American Paradox
Bleeding Through - This is Love, This is Murderous
Rise Against - Revolutions Per Minute
As I Lay Dying - Frail Words Collapse

so random. I love it. I am the hardcore punk rocker hip-hopster preposter(ous) imposter. you heard me.

that is all.

sometimes I feel too old for my age

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 01:21:08 GMT

last week was more of the usual. school and work. hurray. I still know almost no one at school. I'm pathetic.

friday morning I went to work at 10. the weather was so horrible that I was sent home immediately. argh. could have just stayed in bed. so I came home and went back to bed for awhile, then did some much-needed laundry with chris moore. lots of people were going to giorgio's before going out, so we dropped in for a free pitcher or two. just kinda chit-chatted with people. discussed career paths, connections, and dentistry with courtenay and sprinKILL. I could use free dental work. no insurance any more and I'm due for a visit.

talked to jeff about st. george for spring break. I think I'm going. it'll be cheap, and probably good drunken fun. I really need a change of scenery.

after that I showed lost in translation to seymoore and shaggy. they seemed to like it more than I expected. I don't think shaggy usually goes for movies that aren't really "about anything."

border's was having 20% off for students this weekend, so I bought a few books on saturday. then I went to work. it was surprisingly busy. speaking of which, I should have gone and picked up my tipout today. rats. after work I went to chu's for casey's 21st birthday thing (these are a recurring theme lately). getting there after 12, I felt entirely too sober, and for whatever reason I was just in a really ill mood. I was ready to go when the beer was gone, so I came home a little after 2, watched some family guy and went to bed.

today I watched more phi sig dodge ball and then played a pick-up game of basketball. I'm in sad aerobic condition. played some drums. after all this, I'm quite sweaty. I'm gonna take a shower and do my schoolwork like a good boy.