oh yeah
I typed this up while I was at home for Thanksgiving and not connected to the Internet. I have a lot of other stuff to talk about, but I don't want to right now, because it sucks.

Well, it's Thanksgiving Day, 2004, and it's my first trip home in a good while. I've been cleaning out my closet, trying to get some things out of my parents' way since I live in a house and don't come home that much. I do this sort of thing a lot when I come home, but this has been the most thorough and the most emotionally intense. My heart has swelled so much at the things I've found, I'm starting to wonder when the last time was that I had a truly emotional experience. My life is stoical.

I've been working too much and not stopping to connect with people on a personal level. I'm amazed at the lengths that some people go to do just that; with some, it's creepy, but sometimes it is acutely humbling. Early on in high school I had a crush on Anna-Ward Martens, and I just found a valentine that I received from her probably in 8th grade. This was nothing particularly special, she's just one of those people that brings something for everyone, but in her case it WAS special. Her congeniality was never sugar-coated and false. You knew that every smile she flashed at you and everyone else was genuine. An angelic soul. But this is not a lament for my unrequited love for Anna-Ward. It is simply a nostalgic recollection, sentimental to me uniquely, yet on another level a more global reminder of what humanity is capable of. Etymologically, "capability" closely relates to "capacity," the former usually bearing open-ended connotations and the latter being thought of more in terms of limits. Anna-Ward is one of those people in life that makes you rethink limits. An athlete's "capacity" for performance may improve every day, but in the case of care and human interest, her limits are immeasurable and infinitely more inspiring.

I also have a post card from Anna-Ward's mother, sent after she chaperoned a school field trip and was the leader of my group for the trip's activities. It's great to see such qualities carried on generationally. I went to a private high school: these people are affluent. Yet, their spirits are absolutely untainted.

One dig through an old stack of cards can bring up so many fond memories. I wonder where these people are now? I have theatre programs from performances by people who used to be some of my best friends. Some of them I've barely spoken to since graduation, if at all. The programs and the well wishes of their parents and friends still leave me feeling proud of them. I want to sit down and spend a day going through all this shit with someone who would actually appreciate a fair amount of it.

I now have inspiration to buy Christmas cards.

Hedgehog's Dilemma